Monday.

I had a wicked sleep. It wasn't great. Not as deep as I needed

I got up and checked my emails. I logged onto my Myspace and wrote people back. I watched 'Jerry Springer', which I believe is one of the most life-affirming shows on television. (There's no way my life could be that twisted.) I dried off and reached into the dresser-drawer for one of my favorite t-shirts, a light brown t-shirt with a iron-on of Chewbacca that reads 'WWCD?' underneath his picture. Looked in my closet and instinctively reached for my 'Mudkids' custom Air-Max '95's, the pair that started my collection. I slid my shoes on and packed up my computer. I kissed my buddy, Jett, goodbye and made my way to the door. I am looking at my place, and while it is 'home', I don't like it as much as I should. I am thinking about a lotta things. I am moving and swimming, working through an ocean of insecurities and doubts.

I started my car. I waited to hear what I was listening to the day before yesterday. The radio doesn't work and the tape deck is out, which means 'No iPod in the whip'. I have been forced to go back to my CD collection, but it has been a happy accident. It has made it so I am listening to stuff that I had either listened to once and put away or CD's that I absolutely love and haven't listened to in a while. The truck starts, thank God because I sure haven't brought my battery charger in the house in a while, and my voice comes outta the speakers, imploring me to 'Don't stop, don't quit...' I chuckle, back out of my space and make my way to the gate. The gate opens and I am off into the streets of Indianapolis, destination ; Northside News.

I say 'what's up.' to everyone. I know every single person here. The Dude is behind the counter, holding court with Timbo Too. JJ is cooking. Uncle Miiiiike is getting his coffee...and I always ask if he needs a refill before I get mine. Karen is in the corner, learning lines for a play. Buddy just came in and re-upped on his two 'ultra-weenie' American Spirits. Jared, who had dreadlocks thicker than mine is here with his girl. I haven't seen him since the CAC moved its office downtown. He's cut his hair and they are having a baby. The kid looks like a million bucks. He tells me he has moved to Florida. Makes me think real hard. 

Seems like everyone I know is doing good in the Sunshine. Chaz. I am so proud of Chaz. I am proud of Jared.

When I see my friends doing well, it makes me feel better.

I am sitting at a table with Heidi, who has one of the best smiles in the world and an attitude to match. She's just a great spirit. She is working on something for some kinda wellness retreat in the mountains of Montana, seemingly a kajillion miles away from everything and everybody. Karen comes over and sits with us and Heidi begins to speak. Heidi always begins to speak; the lady can talk, okay? She's really easy to get to know, because she gives of herself very freely. She saw the funk all over me when I came in and gave me a big ol' hug and shook me by my shoulders. Then she cheesed at me and I cheesed back. I'm feeling better, but I still have so much to think about...

I was ready to sit in the corner and blahblahblah about the rivers and oceans of uncertainty that I have been trying to swim through lately. I just go through this. It's just me now. Things can be great, but contrary to some opinions, I DO worry about my future and I DO somewhat of a plan.

(these joints ain't finished, but they fonkay enough for now...I live this shit)

It's easy for me to lose sight of how good things are and can be. I just do that sometimes and there are a bazillion people like me. I am never alone, when I feel 'alone' and that can be a good thing. And when I wanna be 'alone', I have to make it happen and that can be a good thing, as well. I am truly loved and I know it.  This is where I belong and has been for some time...but I am starting to wonder about the rest of the world. I have seen so many little parts of it, one night, one show, one drive-home at a time.  As much as I love my Home, I know I can come back to it, should I go. Some of my better instincts are telling me to go. Go somewhere, even if it's only for a while. Test the waters. Follow the Sun.

Where will I go? What will I do? I don't really know the answers to those questions and that may be what has had me in a half-funk for the past two weeks. I just know that my heart is longing to be gone for a while. I can't say that a tour would get it done. I'm really thinking about changes in a big way. I have so many ideas, but I am not certain as to how to implement them in the most effective way. I can make any type of music that I set my mind to make, I rock crowds, I get my point across and I know it by the smiles and the responses and reactions when I do my thang with my team(s). By the end of the summer, I will have two records wrapped, ready to go and will be headlong into creating the next one, whatever it is. This I DO know. Now, what am I gonna do with all this work that I have put in? The hours and hours of writing and re-writing, the nights in the studio with SPStar, the rides around town listening to this stuff over and over again, the video shooting, the nights spent editing, the communicating with two-three teams of musicians, the emailing...all of this shit, man. Damn. 

Sometimes, I wonder why God picked me to be this rapper. I'm so thankful for my gift, but it's a double-edged sword. I've sworn to 'keep it real' and the reality is I think too damn much. I worry and worry. I sweat shit and internalize it. I still think like the kid that was beating on tables at lunch to serve you in front of your boys and your girl, but I also know that that kid is a lot older now and needs to talk about other shit. I'm hoping the message is still getting across; it seems to be. I suppose it's working, I believe in Us. 

I've never thought about my future as much as I have the last two weeks. Everyone has to do it at some point. You just have to make sure you are moving forward in the present. I'm trying to push the pace some, I guess. 

tick tick tick tick...

ticktick, ticktick...

ticktickticktick...

Time don't stop, so why would you?

Here's the Mayor. I love that dude. He's got some pics of me that I really want...and Heidi is back. Jared and his girl are headed out, as is Karen...I'm here with Heidi, tapping away, working my way towards SOMEthing and 'happy'. Again.

Cuz that's just what you do...