Independents' Day Blues

This one is personal.

Yuh know, people will take your loyalty and kindness for weakness. There are so many parasitic entities in the Music Business. They will jump on your team when they think there is something in it for them. But, as soon as shit gets real, they are the first ones to bail, all the while smiling in your face and telling you how much they 'support' you.  I don't need that kinda 'support'. I don't need fake 'friends'. I don't need phony businessmen and shysters around me, and I sure as hell don't need for anyone to tell me, 'Well, that's just the Game'. Bullshit, the Game ain't got nothing to do with somebody being fake.

I am here to let you know that all that shit is dead and has been dead with me for a long time.

I do not deal with a lotta people from my past; people that swore they were my friends, but when I HAVE TO make REAL MOVES to keep my future in focus and my band on the road, they can't seem to muster up that 'support'. I don't deal with people that have shown me that they are self-serving, lazy, lackadaisical con-artists and sycophants, suckling at the teat of whoever they think is 'hot' that month. I don't hang around people that are gonna take my words, twist them to make me look like a jerk and broadcast their bullshit interpretations of what they think I am about to their 'friends'. I don't deal with 'yes-men' and talentless hacks that wish they could be as eloquent as I am in expressing their emotions and views on situations, but think it would be a smart move to fuck with me, knowing damn-well that they have NO CHANCE of debating, battling, or outthinking me. (Trust me, kids; I will not be so gracious when it is time for war. I protect my team like a mother lion. And I protect myself like Daddy Lion). I cut all those bastards off for my own sanity. They're simply of no value to me anymore, because they have shown me that my friendship ain't really about shit to them. They would rather do other things with other people and that is perfectly fine.

Where there is unfinished business to attend to, though, I am trying to 'zero out' all accounts, so I can go on with my life. The Mudkids' merchandising is all fucked-up and I am doing all I can to get it right. All I want is my gosh-darn merch booth to be in order, so that when we go play shows, we can leave our 'footprint' on your city. There are entities within this business that are so outta control, so fly-by-night, so full of themselves, that their arrogance makes it so they must lord over what they were supposed to be controlling YEARS ago. And NOW they wanna be lazy about getting Us INFORMATION, not even money, man; INFORMATION. I would think that is the most basic thing in the world, but apparently that was just another case of me thinking with my heart and not my head. When you do business with a friend you think you can trust, think twice or find an outside party to keep your head straight because your 'friends' are the first ones to fuck you over, intentionally or because they are too 'friendly' to take you seriously. It's a fact.

You may have noticed some changes in the Mudkids and the way We present ourselves. There are people that promised Us things, be it dedication, effort, time, money or whatever that they couldn't hold up to. We do not have the time for that anymore. This band is in the midst of recording another classic album, full of heart and soul. I can't begin to tell you how many hours I have spent in the studio, making sure that I have done things right. I cannot begin to tell you how many hours I have spent writing Songs, practicing flows, and rewriting Songs. I can't tell you how many times I have had to sit here and listen to the same beat, over and over again, writing down my bars so that when it is time to rap, there ain't no bullshit on there. I don't slack and I make a lotta shit happen by my lonesome. I'll say it; yeah, I push...even when ain't nobody looking. Prove me wrong, I want you to.

Some people see that 'pushing' as threatening. It could be because when you are around someone who works their ass off, you either hafta work as hard as them or you hafta acknowledge your own laziness and ineptitude. I hold no punches anymore when it comes to letting someone know that they ain't doing what they said they would do or what they were asked to do. I know when I am slacking and I do what I can to stop that shit. I guess now, I am trying to stop it in others. I don't allow that energy around me because it is infectious. I need to be around people who are willing to work at least half as hard as me. The last things I need are excuses.

I have tried to lead my team by example. I try to live up to the things I talk about in Songs.I have planted seeds of thought in Songs for years. Well, now I am about to start planting some seeds that may grow into poison oak. I am sure there are factions of people that will feel some kinda SOMEthing about what I have been writing lately. I am gonna make it impossible for some people to ignore Us/Me. I have kept from screaming on a lotta people that have screamed on me; runnning back to 'friends' and talking about how I am 'outta control' and my 'ego is outrageous'. Really? Hmmmm....if I haven't talked to you and I haven't spoken to you, where do you get that idea from? My absence? The fact that I don't kick it with fake, back-stabbing, unfocused, do-whatever-it-takes-to-make-myself-look-good dudes anymore? Did you really think I could continue to let that shit slide? I am not with the 'kee-kee-ing' and smiling in my face when I know for a fact that you have been talking extremely stupidly and recklessly about me, my projects, my life, or my Music.

That said, if you are reading this and you feel like you have unfinished business with me, feel free to call or write, so we can settle it. It's al about respect and such a lack of respect has been shown to Me, my values, and my team that I can't believe I am even being as cool about the shit as I am now. I am so easy to get in touch with, it's not funny. I'm online every day. I'll leave it up to the transgressors for now, the ones who are feeling the sting of having the 'Great Rusty' prepare to tear them new ones. 

I don't need no negative nothing, man. 'Triple Negative', I am moving on. The least one could do is let me do so and not make it any more difficult than it has already been. I have been more than cool with more than a few people and look...I am still here. My shit rings bells, yo, and you know it. I am setting myself up to be in control of my own destiny and my own dream, by my own means. We let a lotta people ride with Us and when it was time to really get down to business, we were met with indifference, laziness, and eventually (for me, especially) a general sense of 'Fuck you'. You cannot just say something to me and expect me to just believe it anymore. I wasted a lotta time believing in the power of 'friendship' and 'togetherness' with selfish individuals and companies that really only care about themselves.

No. No more. Get your shit together, cuz I am trying so hard to do that...and it ain't even for just me. My team rolls with me, man...if my team is only three or four people, ALL of Us will always be on the same page. I am so shitty with myself for believing in the BS that 'friends' will sell you. If you believed is Us then, you should still believe in Us now, because the GROUP and the MUSIC hasn't changed, except for the better. A cursory glance at the four albums we have released and the new Songs on our Myspace page (and mine) would make that obvious. We are STILL the grindingest, nastiest, realest, coolest, down-to-Earth cats you will meet...but We ain't no punks and we ain't 'kids' no more. We play nice, but when you shit on Us, that goes out the door. And I know when I have been shit on; I turned the other cheek for years until I couldn't do it anymore.

You can choose to ignore me, but I will be using my talent to get some kinda satisfaction and retribution for Myself. I'm just letting it be known so that when you hear some slick stuff fly outta my grill and you think, 'Is Russ talking about me?', you might be thinking correctly. If you even have an inkling that I might be talking about you, I probably and that is your own damn fault. All I have is this Music and NO ONE can tell me what I can address when I wanna address it. That's my power, yo; it's all I really have to show for the years of work I have put into this; a talent that God gave me in the first place and you could never truly understand. I'll make it simple for you. Believe that.

...and I won't let it go. Ever. Get it right and keep it that way.

Monday.

I had a wicked sleep. It wasn't great. Not as deep as I needed

I got up and checked my emails. I logged onto my Myspace and wrote people back. I watched 'Jerry Springer', which I believe is one of the most life-affirming shows on television. (There's no way my life could be that twisted.) I dried off and reached into the dresser-drawer for one of my favorite t-shirts, a light brown t-shirt with a iron-on of Chewbacca that reads 'WWCD?' underneath his picture. Looked in my closet and instinctively reached for my 'Mudkids' custom Air-Max '95's, the pair that started my collection. I slid my shoes on and packed up my computer. I kissed my buddy, Jett, goodbye and made my way to the door. I am looking at my place, and while it is 'home', I don't like it as much as I should. I am thinking about a lotta things. I am moving and swimming, working through an ocean of insecurities and doubts.

I started my car. I waited to hear what I was listening to the day before yesterday. The radio doesn't work and the tape deck is out, which means 'No iPod in the whip'. I have been forced to go back to my CD collection, but it has been a happy accident. It has made it so I am listening to stuff that I had either listened to once and put away or CD's that I absolutely love and haven't listened to in a while. The truck starts, thank God because I sure haven't brought my battery charger in the house in a while, and my voice comes outta the speakers, imploring me to 'Don't stop, don't quit...' I chuckle, back out of my space and make my way to the gate. The gate opens and I am off into the streets of Indianapolis, destination ; Northside News.

I say 'what's up.' to everyone. I know every single person here. The Dude is behind the counter, holding court with Timbo Too. JJ is cooking. Uncle Miiiiike is getting his coffee...and I always ask if he needs a refill before I get mine. Karen is in the corner, learning lines for a play. Buddy just came in and re-upped on his two 'ultra-weenie' American Spirits. Jared, who had dreadlocks thicker than mine is here with his girl. I haven't seen him since the CAC moved its office downtown. He's cut his hair and they are having a baby. The kid looks like a million bucks. He tells me he has moved to Florida. Makes me think real hard. 

Seems like everyone I know is doing good in the Sunshine. Chaz. I am so proud of Chaz. I am proud of Jared.

When I see my friends doing well, it makes me feel better.

I am sitting at a table with Heidi, who has one of the best smiles in the world and an attitude to match. She's just a great spirit. She is working on something for some kinda wellness retreat in the mountains of Montana, seemingly a kajillion miles away from everything and everybody. Karen comes over and sits with us and Heidi begins to speak. Heidi always begins to speak; the lady can talk, okay? She's really easy to get to know, because she gives of herself very freely. She saw the funk all over me when I came in and gave me a big ol' hug and shook me by my shoulders. Then she cheesed at me and I cheesed back. I'm feeling better, but I still have so much to think about...

I was ready to sit in the corner and blahblahblah about the rivers and oceans of uncertainty that I have been trying to swim through lately. I just go through this. It's just me now. Things can be great, but contrary to some opinions, I DO worry about my future and I DO somewhat of a plan.

(these joints ain't finished, but they fonkay enough for now...I live this shit)

It's easy for me to lose sight of how good things are and can be. I just do that sometimes and there are a bazillion people like me. I am never alone, when I feel 'alone' and that can be a good thing. And when I wanna be 'alone', I have to make it happen and that can be a good thing, as well. I am truly loved and I know it.  This is where I belong and has been for some time...but I am starting to wonder about the rest of the world. I have seen so many little parts of it, one night, one show, one drive-home at a time.  As much as I love my Home, I know I can come back to it, should I go. Some of my better instincts are telling me to go. Go somewhere, even if it's only for a while. Test the waters. Follow the Sun.

Where will I go? What will I do? I don't really know the answers to those questions and that may be what has had me in a half-funk for the past two weeks. I just know that my heart is longing to be gone for a while. I can't say that a tour would get it done. I'm really thinking about changes in a big way. I have so many ideas, but I am not certain as to how to implement them in the most effective way. I can make any type of music that I set my mind to make, I rock crowds, I get my point across and I know it by the smiles and the responses and reactions when I do my thang with my team(s). By the end of the summer, I will have two records wrapped, ready to go and will be headlong into creating the next one, whatever it is. This I DO know. Now, what am I gonna do with all this work that I have put in? The hours and hours of writing and re-writing, the nights in the studio with SPStar, the rides around town listening to this stuff over and over again, the video shooting, the nights spent editing, the communicating with two-three teams of musicians, the emailing...all of this shit, man. Damn. 

Sometimes, I wonder why God picked me to be this rapper. I'm so thankful for my gift, but it's a double-edged sword. I've sworn to 'keep it real' and the reality is I think too damn much. I worry and worry. I sweat shit and internalize it. I still think like the kid that was beating on tables at lunch to serve you in front of your boys and your girl, but I also know that that kid is a lot older now and needs to talk about other shit. I'm hoping the message is still getting across; it seems to be. I suppose it's working, I believe in Us. 

I've never thought about my future as much as I have the last two weeks. Everyone has to do it at some point. You just have to make sure you are moving forward in the present. I'm trying to push the pace some, I guess. 

tick tick tick tick...

ticktick, ticktick...

ticktickticktick...

Time don't stop, so why would you?

Here's the Mayor. I love that dude. He's got some pics of me that I really want...and Heidi is back. Jared and his girl are headed out, as is Karen...I'm here with Heidi, tapping away, working my way towards SOMEthing and 'happy'. Again.

Cuz that's just what you do...