STFU 2...My New Life

Hey,

(Disclaimer; I ain't talkin' to or about you, and if you think I am...well....then, write me. I'd rather work it out, but I can cut 'em off just as quick. Welcome to The New Life. Everybody has a Nemesis. I'm finna talk to mine. The next time you hear about this; it'll rhyme and it'll be my TRUE VOICE. Enter 'Icarus')

I don't like you. You represent everything that I am against; sloth, greed, false pride, faking jacks, inability to check yourself, and an ego that is outta control. Even in my absence, I can smell the hatred coming off you, wafting over the heads from the back of the club. The stench is unbearable.

I just told you I was done STFU. I did that for the longest. I let people take credit for shit they didn't do, could never do, and never had the HeArt to do. I let people slide when I hear shit talked about me and my Group. I have turned away from it and listened intently, all while STFU. If I were to detail some of the stuff that has gotten back to me from extremely reliable sources or some of the things that have been said about me/Us in print, online and otherwise, you would understand why I am so down to hold a grudge. It don't bother me one iota to shake off haters. I am thankful that you finally decided to show your true colors. You fooled me for a long time.

I'll never again feel the need to talk to you about anything. I am letting you know this because when you see me, I don't want you to think I am gonna be politically correct. You shit on me/Us and I'm never forgetting that. No one in this group has ever been anything but supportive of anyone in our Circle (I CAN speak for the Group in this case.), so when people in that Circle or formerly in that Circle go into the world and tell outright lies about me or my Group; yeah, I take that shit pretty seriously. I have had people that have claimed to know me and love me as their brother sit directly across from me and tell me that I was 'selfish', a 'spotlight hog', "I want it to be all about me" as if I just do this for some kinda glory or something. Kiddo, if it didn't mean as much to me as it does, I wouldn't have my ass up at 8 in the morning, making mixtapes featuring local cats for free downloading, writing Songs, editing videos and uploading them, driving my neighbors crazy in the name of MUDKIDS and MUDKIDS TV . If it meant half as much to you, you would receive the recognition you so desperately long for and you wouldn't hafta hate on me/Us to get it. I have taken it on as my RESPONSIBILITY and MISSION to represent YOU and your City. You, in return, have shit on Us.

When I address issues and over-explain my case after months of STFU and I don't get responses, I am forced to believe that I am right. I am absolutely no joke when it comes to telling you what has been on my mind after a long period of STFU. No one busts outta STFU like me, man. So, when I address issues like some of the ones you see above and I don't hear back from the transgressors, it's only natural that I would think I was right. Silence speaks volumes and y'all ain't saying shit. Meanwhile, We continue to do what we have always done; make Great Music and stand behind it or get behind it and push. I ain't stopping nobody from getting what they want outta this life; if you are with Us and you have a dream, a goal, a wish, I am quick to speak for MUDKIDS and say, "We got your back." It's part of the job, at least with this crew. Which is why you don't see me around some of the people I used to be around and you won't. If it don't reciprocate, it don't work. They have played their 'f*** Russ/y'all' card, not knowing that Jokers ain't wild.

Guess what? It didn't work. In fact, all it did was make you look like the fool I told you that you were. I've long tired of gossippy, bitchy, 'rally-the-troops' mentalities. All that bitching and screaming about me/Us has only made it worse for you, because we put our heads down and grit that much harder, not to spite you, but because that is simply what...we...do. I've sent you the links, I posted the bulletins, the Music is all there and so are the images. Any beefs? Please contact me here cuz I promise you, I can explain anything I said and stand behind it. I'll extend that offer to you one more time and I will be happy to explain how and why I got whatever it is you wanna talk about done. I am feeling sooooo 'Daniel Plainview' right now;

"I told you what I was going to do, didn't I? I told you that I would continue to work as hard as I ever did, if not harder and now look...we have MUDKIDS TV, we have 'PREHENSILE TALES' and once again, for the seventh or eighth time in a decade, the people where we live have selected Us as their representatives. Name one other band that can say that. Just one...you can't, because there are no others who can stake that claim...in dang-near any of the Arts 'round these parts. Our time is coming and if it isn't, it's not because of lack of effort. I told you this would happen, didn't I? Was I wrong? I told you what would happen and you tried to play me for a fool. Now, who's laughing? Not me! To get to where I wanna go, I have had to accept the fact that there are just certain...people...that will have to fall by the wayside. I accept it, however begrudgingly, but it is accepted nonetheless. I will always, always, always find happiness or at least, solace in my work. And I will always, always, always outwork you. This has nothing to do with money or fame. This is about respect, a respect for me and mine that was completely discarded and I am only so happy to reciprocate, just as I would with 'Love'."

If I were to never play another show or write another Song, I would know that it was because of choices I made, not because of dumb shit that was said by people that would love to be in my position. Let me be brutally honest; you couldn't handle it. You haven't been willing to open your HeArt to the point where you could stand the pressure. Don't you realize that people will always have higher expectations of Us? Do you know how that feels when you are trying to create? All you have ever had to do was play the back and be cool, but you took it upon yourself to get in the middle of everybody's shit. It's your nature. You're weak-minded and weak-willed and when told so, you curl up into a ball and hide behind your glasses, be they on your face or full of beer.

You would sit there and talk shit about everyone and how 'we ain't doing nothing', you're such a 'star', man. I would STFU and listen to this dumb shit and make conversation for the sake of doing so, while taking note of the fact that you were too self-absorbed and self-obsessed to recognize that the very scene you are shitting on is supporting you. And the 'Kid you are sitting there shitting on everybody to is a part of that scene. In fact, I could make an argument that it was I who introduced you to this 'scene', oh so many years ago. My mistake for doing so because you can't sustain friendships or relationships, and manage to bring strife and drama to every group situation you are in. You'll find a way to tear apart whatever it is you are working on now...it's just a matter of time. I'm not worried about it, though. It really is all about you.

Don't get it twisted; it's all about me, too. I've proven a lotta things wrong throughout my career. We took a year off from playing shows and recording and came back as strong as ever. When we started this Group, there was NOBODY around here even attempting to play what was then called 'East Coast Hip-Hop'. I was fresh outta the BIRDMEN, doing something essentially entirely different. I am sure there are some people who thought that MUDKIDS would shrivel up and die after they left the Circle. We're here and better than ever, working harder and producing more Music. It's all about ELP-MASS, (who doesn't have a page or you would be seeing his link there), the producer, the architect, the Genius. It's all about DJ HELICON, not only the DJ for the 'Kids, but a multi-tasking maniac, holding down a weekly gig at 6 Ultra Lounge on Fridays AND being one of the co-founders of ORANJE. Oh, yeah...ORANJE IS COMING!. Think he don't know PRESSURE? There will be no less than 2500 people at his event. AND he will dealing with a buncha crazy Artists ('good crazy', though.)

We rock on...until....

"I told you what I was gonna do." I told you exactly what would happen and look now. 'Bang bang bang' - pretty much in the timeframe that I told you it would happen. Don't be shocked by anything, because we are capable of anything. You outright shat all over my trust in you, my confidence, your word, and my vision and reputation. You need waaaay more soldiers, bruh. I ain't goin' nowhere until I want to. I told y'all that Tyler and I were 'jazz cats', kindred spirits. I'm gonna rap for-effin'-ever if I feel right about it. I have never felt more right in my Life. Go for yours, cuz I am going for OURS as hard as ever, with a vengeance and fury.

"Check the stats."

MUDKIDS

MUDKIDS TV < The 'revolution' is being televised.

RUSTY ON IMEEM

'PREHENSILE TALES'

Know that as much as I loved you at one point, enough to put up with all the stuff you started, you have hurt me. I told you that and I'm not letting that go until you acknowledge it. You tried to 'kill' me and I know it.

You lost. STFU.

Respect and Grace, that's why I don't speak to chumps anymore. Doing 'Me' FEARLESSLY. Regretting NOTHING.

Russ

Monday.

I had a wicked sleep. It wasn't great. Not as deep as I needed

I got up and checked my emails. I logged onto my Myspace and wrote people back. I watched 'Jerry Springer', which I believe is one of the most life-affirming shows on television. (There's no way my life could be that twisted.) I dried off and reached into the dresser-drawer for one of my favorite t-shirts, a light brown t-shirt with a iron-on of Chewbacca that reads 'WWCD?' underneath his picture. Looked in my closet and instinctively reached for my 'Mudkids' custom Air-Max '95's, the pair that started my collection. I slid my shoes on and packed up my computer. I kissed my buddy, Jett, goodbye and made my way to the door. I am looking at my place, and while it is 'home', I don't like it as much as I should. I am thinking about a lotta things. I am moving and swimming, working through an ocean of insecurities and doubts.

I started my car. I waited to hear what I was listening to the day before yesterday. The radio doesn't work and the tape deck is out, which means 'No iPod in the whip'. I have been forced to go back to my CD collection, but it has been a happy accident. It has made it so I am listening to stuff that I had either listened to once and put away or CD's that I absolutely love and haven't listened to in a while. The truck starts, thank God because I sure haven't brought my battery charger in the house in a while, and my voice comes outta the speakers, imploring me to 'Don't stop, don't quit...' I chuckle, back out of my space and make my way to the gate. The gate opens and I am off into the streets of Indianapolis, destination ; Northside News.

I say 'what's up.' to everyone. I know every single person here. The Dude is behind the counter, holding court with Timbo Too. JJ is cooking. Uncle Miiiiike is getting his coffee...and I always ask if he needs a refill before I get mine. Karen is in the corner, learning lines for a play. Buddy just came in and re-upped on his two 'ultra-weenie' American Spirits. Jared, who had dreadlocks thicker than mine is here with his girl. I haven't seen him since the CAC moved its office downtown. He's cut his hair and they are having a baby. The kid looks like a million bucks. He tells me he has moved to Florida. Makes me think real hard. 

Seems like everyone I know is doing good in the Sunshine. Chaz. I am so proud of Chaz. I am proud of Jared.

When I see my friends doing well, it makes me feel better.

I am sitting at a table with Heidi, who has one of the best smiles in the world and an attitude to match. She's just a great spirit. She is working on something for some kinda wellness retreat in the mountains of Montana, seemingly a kajillion miles away from everything and everybody. Karen comes over and sits with us and Heidi begins to speak. Heidi always begins to speak; the lady can talk, okay? She's really easy to get to know, because she gives of herself very freely. She saw the funk all over me when I came in and gave me a big ol' hug and shook me by my shoulders. Then she cheesed at me and I cheesed back. I'm feeling better, but I still have so much to think about...

I was ready to sit in the corner and blahblahblah about the rivers and oceans of uncertainty that I have been trying to swim through lately. I just go through this. It's just me now. Things can be great, but contrary to some opinions, I DO worry about my future and I DO somewhat of a plan.

(these joints ain't finished, but they fonkay enough for now...I live this shit)

It's easy for me to lose sight of how good things are and can be. I just do that sometimes and there are a bazillion people like me. I am never alone, when I feel 'alone' and that can be a good thing. And when I wanna be 'alone', I have to make it happen and that can be a good thing, as well. I am truly loved and I know it.  This is where I belong and has been for some time...but I am starting to wonder about the rest of the world. I have seen so many little parts of it, one night, one show, one drive-home at a time.  As much as I love my Home, I know I can come back to it, should I go. Some of my better instincts are telling me to go. Go somewhere, even if it's only for a while. Test the waters. Follow the Sun.

Where will I go? What will I do? I don't really know the answers to those questions and that may be what has had me in a half-funk for the past two weeks. I just know that my heart is longing to be gone for a while. I can't say that a tour would get it done. I'm really thinking about changes in a big way. I have so many ideas, but I am not certain as to how to implement them in the most effective way. I can make any type of music that I set my mind to make, I rock crowds, I get my point across and I know it by the smiles and the responses and reactions when I do my thang with my team(s). By the end of the summer, I will have two records wrapped, ready to go and will be headlong into creating the next one, whatever it is. This I DO know. Now, what am I gonna do with all this work that I have put in? The hours and hours of writing and re-writing, the nights in the studio with SPStar, the rides around town listening to this stuff over and over again, the video shooting, the nights spent editing, the communicating with two-three teams of musicians, the emailing...all of this shit, man. Damn. 

Sometimes, I wonder why God picked me to be this rapper. I'm so thankful for my gift, but it's a double-edged sword. I've sworn to 'keep it real' and the reality is I think too damn much. I worry and worry. I sweat shit and internalize it. I still think like the kid that was beating on tables at lunch to serve you in front of your boys and your girl, but I also know that that kid is a lot older now and needs to talk about other shit. I'm hoping the message is still getting across; it seems to be. I suppose it's working, I believe in Us. 

I've never thought about my future as much as I have the last two weeks. Everyone has to do it at some point. You just have to make sure you are moving forward in the present. I'm trying to push the pace some, I guess. 

tick tick tick tick...

ticktick, ticktick...

ticktickticktick...

Time don't stop, so why would you?

Here's the Mayor. I love that dude. He's got some pics of me that I really want...and Heidi is back. Jared and his girl are headed out, as is Karen...I'm here with Heidi, tapping away, working my way towards SOMEthing and 'happy'. Again.

Cuz that's just what you do...